Annihilated Ammeters, Broken Beakers, Crushed Crucibles

It's one of those glorious near-autumn days, the sort which ought to last for weeks. It's one of those superb edge-of-summer moments, in which the leaves are falling but the mercury isn't. It's that very instant in which the heart - not the brain - becomes the seat of awareness, and it aches with the beauty of the world. This is the very essence of life, condensed beyond belief yet in no way wanting for detail.

I was there, in the University Quad. And all I could think about was how absolutely shitty a Chem lab can make one feel. Missing the first one (having transferred into the course a little late) was bad enough, but now the weight of everything I am expected to have weighs heavily on my shoulders. It wouldn't be so bad if I had a fucking clue as to where I might be able to procure any of it! In an ideal world, I love Chemistry. The prof in his classroom sheds much-sought-after light on important questions, such as "what is the basic nature of matter?", and "what reactions allow life to function as it does?", which span the realms of science and metaphysics. The grandeur of life is so much more appreciable when one understands that life, however briefly, defies entropy. No reaction does, of course, and when the sun burns out, all will be lost...but for our brief span on this Earth, our very presence screams "I should not be, yet I AM!". Perhaps we will discover, in time, that life is a natural state of things, and that we all play our part in grinding down the Universe into homogenous dust. Indeed, it is likely we do. Still, the easiest path would be for the Earth to become a lifeless rock, as Mars has. This being not the case makes us - for the moment - something special.

TAs, on the other hand, don't so much illuminate as turn the FBI-surplus interrogation lamp to 11, and help you answer questions like "why aren't you prepared?", and "how did you add the silver nitrate if you hadn't calculated how much was needed yet?". The answer to the latter is that I didn't, the other TA came by while I was number-crunching away - the only sanctuary I had available - and threw our experiment together on the hot plate (at least, that's what I saw out of the corner of my eye...). TA's discuss within earshot of you how to give you a mark less than zero for pre-labs, etc. The best a TA can say is not "why, you were late to this class. Here, have a list of stuff you need", but "I'm giving you a 1 on your pre-lab because you had something scribbled on a piece of paper". Thanks a fucking load, buddy. I'm completely disoriented, I have no lab notebook, nor the lab procedures, and you're acting like I've been here from day 1 and I'm an incompetent!

Fortunately for my TAs, I've come to a realization which will spare them the trouble.

When people ask me about my science marks (hell, about any marks), I change the subject. A cousin of mine criticized my schedule for being "too light on the math and science". To be honest, I haven't the heart to tell them that I've given up on the both of them. I'm not taking Chemistry because I'm particularly facinated by it, I'm taking it because I had a dream once, and I've not been able to let go. For years, I knew what I wanted to be: I was going to be an Aerospace Engineer. I was going to be the next Burt Rutan, I was going to follow in the footsteps of Von Braun. I was gonna build fuckin' SPACESHIPS, and I was going to be the chief engineer on a Star-Trek-Style-Riverboat-Fantasy-In-Space. I never really asked myself if I thought it was possible, I even held onto it as my Math and Science marks fell with every successive year. The clues were hidden all along: I've never been good at logic puzzles, you might as well give me the Gordian Knot and no sword as pass me a Su Doku, and I've never acutally solved a rubik's cube. I've never done any model rocketry, and I'm about as mechanically inclined as a slime mould. I'm so bad at Science, in fact, that I DID NOT PLACE in the Aventis Biotech Challenge. I did research on Ginseng and U87MG glioblastomas, and I don't even know if the judges placed us higher than a group whose project name was "Hot Potato" (which, incidentally, came off as less scientific than a potato clock)! If people like me ever got to designing and building spaceships, the Astronaut fatality rate would begin to resemble that of Los Angeles.

I'm a rational Atheist, and for all that, Science still hates me. What gives?

So, please don't ask me about all those spaceships I'll never build, or all those chemical equilibria that I'll never solve. Ask me about what I want for the future, now that I think I'm ready to let go of the past. I'll never stop loving science: Its rational inquiery, the steady improvement of human life through technology, not to mention the best world view there is...but I can't go back. It was an abusive relationship, and it ends here

I am LOUD

I am NOT a Scientist

Not Anymore

It's over NINE THOUSAAAAAAAAND! Ok, actually, this is just post 94. Give me a few decades, will ya?

Inescapable Distraction

To those perplexed by the title of the previous post, I offer an explanation: It encompasses a great deal of what I hope will eventually comprise the body of that post (I don’t think I’ve finished even the one that’s up there). I will alert you, fair readers, when it has been updated; at present, I have a separate thought to pursue, hence the above title. If this was already obvious to you, I apologize for anything here which you find condescending.

I wrote the board-wide 4U English Exam today, and I did not finish writing the essay. This came as no surprise to me, as this marks at least the fourth consecutive timed assignment involving analysis and writing that I have failed to complete this year. One was an SAT written response, the next was an in-class writing assignment, and after that was the in-class Hamlet essay. I know not precisely how many marks this worrying habit has cost me, but I have the requisite cognitive faculties to be aware that it hasn’t helped. If I didn’t think myself a competent writer, I could be secure in the certainty of inadequacy. Just as it is with electricity, no work is done without potential. Well, I suppose this is also true of kinetic systems, or...well, any system involving energy under (or including) the sun, but I digress, as is my custom, but I...nevermind.

The board-wide exam, ladies, gentlemen, and anyone who escapes classification under the first two terms, is a joke. A cruel joke (which, incidentally, rhymes with "cruel yoke", as in "cruel yoke of oppression). There is no guarantee that every student will read the same books, and yet the very same exam is given to each and every one of them. Instead of giving each potential book (which, given the amount of creative control given to English teachers, could be impossible) one essay question, students taking the exam are given four simple, generic questions, to be answered "with regards to a book studied in this course". This is a workable solution - it should not give an advantage to a reader of any specific work(s) - but it's only just shy of the OCDSB attempting to possess and ingest their celebratory baked goods simultaneously. If both books AND the exam were mandated board-wide, the latter would undoubtedly contain questions of a deeper, and more challenging nature. If neither were mandated, the result would be identical. Instead, the board has chosen the single WORST combination. The essay prompt I selected (I literally assigned each prompt "Noun, Verb, Adjective, or Adverb", and then flipped my dictionary to a random page and pointed to a word with my eyes closed to decide) was, as I recall:

"Conflict in a story arises when a character attempts to avoid or address the central problem in his or her life. Discuss to what extent this is true with regards to a work studied in this course"

Or, to my eyes, "Spend a suggested 90 minutes proving that a given is, in fact, true". Smart people they have at the board, penning these useless and vague questions. Even the sight passage questions were vapour; asking the student to provide "TWO examples of diction", and the like. WHAT IN THE FUCKING HELL IS THAT, "Diction"? They offer you a 1000+ word (est.) passage, and they want you, the student, to find only TWO particular uses of language to examine? Why not ask for an overall evaluation of the language used, at least? It's gorramn hard to single out single words with meaning, when one reads and understands the composition at the sentence level, or even the paragraph/thought level, or at least it is for me. This is the same sight passage they are giving to every student, but the board CANNOT BE BOTHERED to have specific questions written every year? I have the sinking feeling that the exam questions do not change, with only the quotes offered for the personal response questions being changed. It must take one of the School Board automatons four or five seconds to do this (perhaps there is a lengthy selection process behind this, but that's no excuse). This is supposed to be an exam which offers a level playing field for the student, it's supposed to be an exam which the board has concocted out of concern for students. From my experience, it is neither

Yet another thing the exam isn't is fair. Performance-wise, it is far, FAR better to be uncaring, and of average intelligence as a student taking the exam. The questions are generic, and the essay prompts are bland, offering no polarizing statements to galvanize the mind to respond. In short, it helps NOT TO CARE when writing the board-wide English exam. Yes, dear readers, apathy reigns supreme at the OCDSB offices (although this was already proved in the first paragraph). The only counter-argument that I could possibly supply is that the lack of detail is a test, forcing the student to fill out the prompts (by devising a polarizing question on the issue at hand, in the case of the bland essay prompts)... which may be the intention, and would indeed imply that those students of exceptional imagination and resourcefulness would receive an advantage. I can't accept this argument, because it posits that a lack of intellectual stimulation in a question is supposed to have precisely the opposite effect than would be expected. Yep, 'cause we all know THAT happens.

I wish I had a switch in my...let's say my right temple, which would have an "on" setting, and then a sliding dimmer, which would progressively reduce my cognitive abilities, inverse-flowers-for-algernon-(FUCK, I knew that in REACH in the seeding tournament, but I wasn't playing! KHAAAAAAAAAAN!)-style. Actually, I also wish it had increased settings as well, but they're not pertinent here. I could then proceed to dim my intelligence by whatever percentage by which I exceed the average population, and remove all ambiguity and difficulty from my English exam. Anyone else wish they could do that?

I'm off for now, but there WILL be more (as always, I just need to find the time to write it all down)

-LOUD

NEWS ATTACKS!

It's been quite the day for news, so I'll get right to it, and try to cram an hour or two worth of writing into 30 minutes. CAN IT BE DONE? (answer: apparently not, as there was only a fraction of this posted yesternight)

Altruism?

A “former Afghan Warlord” has offered to drum up some 10,000 “seasoned” soldiers to fight the Taliban, taking the war across the Pakistani border if need be. Perhaps my opinion will change with more careful deliberation, but for the moment I think it would be in the country's best interest to accept this offer, for several reasons. If this warlord/general is interested in conquest, then there will be no way to avoid conflict. It is better to reap the tactical, financial, and morale gains now than to face him later and gain nothing.

Afghan fighters will know the terrain, and they will know their enemy. We know both, maybe even well...just not nearly AS well. The Taliban have leveraged this “home turf advantage” to deadly effect time and again to kill, maim, or wound Canadian soldiers. With these 10 000 soldiers on the ground, our forces can focus on doing what we do best: dishing out the (ranged, high-tech) HURT. Better still, if these new forces could be somehow integrated or partnered with coalition forces, we could mix our firepower with their knowledge (ideally). There would most likely be a language barrier, but those can be overcome far more easily than can the “loss of leg because you stepped on a landmine” barrier. Also, it would do well to know our (potential) enemy before we are forced to confront it. If we are forced to confront it.

I saw no mention of payment in the Citizen article, which would indicate to me that we have been offered 10 000 troops...for free. Granted, the possibility that their leader may have certain ambitions makes this a gift of dubious value, but as long as those troops fight the Taliban, and we aren't paying, that's our gain. More importantly, it is Afghanistan's gain, because the sooner the Taliban is weakened, crippled, or defeated, the sooner all the effort spent fighting them could be employed to rebuild. It wont be (we humans are always more apt to destroy than to create), but if even a fraction of it is, then there is a gain. This is about what Afghanistan gains, after all. Again, even if this general turns on the present government, he wouldn't be the Taliban. And secular despots are easier to pummel into submission, I should think.

Finally, there is the boost to morale, both here and overseas. We may just need more time to get over the myth that we're an exclusively peaceful country, but Canadians seem to be ok with having an army, but not when they do their job. In any case, 10 000 troops on the ground who know the terrain seems a better shot than putting Canadians on that line, some of whom will die. Politically, I'm saying “better them than us”, because public support is necessary to continue the campaign. I'm not a big fan of killing, but if we allow the Taliban tumour to re-grow, it will cripple Afghanistan again, and breed a whole new generation of terrorists, mysogenists, and illiterates. This may seem to fly in the face of my self-professed “left-wing stance”. A leftist who condemns this war, and would allow the Taliban to re-group, and destroy millions of lives is no better than a short-sighted rightist who refuses to act against global warming! Short-term thinking is lovely for selfish political jockeying, isn't it?

And speaking of political jockeying, I heard a funny interview on the radio the other day...

Speak Up, Dion!

CBC radio's “The Current” was interviewing Mr. Dion about his policies on climate change, specifically, why he hadn't implemented stronger measures during his stint as Environment Minister. His response was something to the effect of “because we understand the issue better now”, which is utter bullshit. What he SAID is, of course, entirely true; every year brings more studies, more reports. What's BS is that it wasn't the reason nothing was done when the Liberals were in power. A significant portion of the population didn't care enough then, and have only begun to do so now. Call it “politics”, and shake your head if you like, but is it not the duty of Parliament to reflect the will of the people? On this note, it occurs to me that I should not be angry at Dion for doing his job...I should be upset because he passed up an opportunity to deliver a wake-up call to the population of Canada: “If you do not wish to face the next Great Threat to our survival when it may even be too late”, he should have said “then speak out and demand that it be addressed earlier!”. Granted, no one likes to hear that they have been remiss in their duties, but it's what Canadians have to be told.

I hope they didn't fancy it clever...

A (now former) public servant, who may or may not have been the informant ever-so-originally dubbed “Green Throat” was apprehended and questioned by the R.C.M.P, leading this man to allege that the Conservative government aims to intimidate public servants into staying silent about government activities. It seems that no one involved was all that clever; the info was only 10 days' time from publication, and it would have been just as bad then as it is now that our Government does not plan to meet our Kyoto targets. The government's conduct is what one calls “another kettle of fish”, as it does support the hypothesis that their aim is to supress informants such as this one...In a liberal democracy. It is undoubtedly possible, but with a minority government already well-known for such strokes of brilliance as “putting a pretty face in the environment portfolio and hoping that Global Warming would just go away”, “recycling the Liberal plans to fight it when the public started to care”, and “revisiting an issue that didn't need revisiting (ie. Same-sex marriage)”... well, it just doesn't make much sense to take a gamble such as this. It's possible that the PR fallout will be nonexistent, but I should hope that this case will sway some “swing” voters that a democratic government which attempts to cloak itself, defend itself with “secrecy” is no friend to the people.

Closing Remarks

Summatives encroach! Panic time is NOW

'Drive' was a fucking good show. Fucking Fox network fucking over another show, adding to the fuckload of quality programs they have fucked up/over/left/right +A + B (= COMBO ATTACK +6 hit!!!). What yokel fucks in their infinite fuckicity are in charge of this fuckup of a TV station. Nathan Fillion needs jobs too!

REACH PROVINCIALS THIS WEEKEND. TIME FOR SLEEP. I'M OUT!

When I return, I will look at the recent criticism of our city, and why we shouldn't just sit here and whine about it.

Until then, you're on your own. Bonne chance, mes amis!

Cold Steel and a Burning Forge

Cold Steel

The week has been unkind to nigh everyone I have talked to lately, and the falling, freezing fury from far-up does not bode well for the weekend, I am saddened to say. The Daydream Believer sounded as if she is having a rough time of things, so I ought to throw an apology her way if I played any part in it. Speaking to S.M.O., who I had previously not talked to in a year or two has made me question why I ever stop talking to people (laugh it up, you know what I really mean here). I should keep better ties with all the wonderfully interesting people I meet, because I am so lucky to know so many exceptional people. I should add Priestshinegami, and Psycat to this list of awesome people. All blogs are well worth reading. Incidentally, these are all females. It seems girl power pervades the blogosphere, as well.

No progress on the "new" rig. I need a decent hard drive before I can make a go of things, else I'm stuck with about 10 or 11 GB of space, and that would involve all of the spare HDDs I have...that, and a few more PATA ports than the motherboard has, to boot (heh, semi nerd-joke). Hard drives below 100GB are a mere pittance these days, come to think of it. I'll see what I can find on boxing day, perhaps...

COLD STEEL, TEMPERED BLADE
NE'ER WAS KEENER MADE

NOR EVER SHALL THERE BE ONCE MORE

FATHER TIME HAS CLOSED THAT DOOR

THE EXPERT MAKER WAS UNDONE

BY A MASS-PRODUCTION GUN

Burning Forge

There is really nothing here yet, but rest assured, the coming days should see it infused with some manner of life. The eventual hope is that the blog will become a development diary for a pen-and-paper RPG, currently in the concept phase (if that, even!), that I am working on with 2 friends. I have a communal blogger ID for us, but I will also post as Loud over there. Confusing? Excellent. Not much to say about it yet, other than "It has a Sci-Fi setting, and players will roleplay entire organizations, rather than simply individuals". I will leave it at that, until we decide just what sort of content we want to start posting.

Supposing (as is becoming less and less likely as I write this) that I get any decent amount of sleep tonight, I will be working on building some summative projects for physics and chemistry classes. Fun Fun! Also, I have more Ballroom Dancing on Sunday, which should be a nice change of pace.

I spoke, long ago, about how I felt awful for not standing up and being counted, with respect to our school's GSSA (Gay-Straight Student Alliance). Well, I did indeed go to one of the meetings. There is still some deliberation as to the function of this group, but I have heard tell of a protest in favour of same-sex marriage legislation. Fuckin' A! I will stand up and I WILL be counted. To fellow straight dudes and chicks who are either indifferent or supportive of homosexuality as a lifestyle: don't assume that your voices are unnecessary! If we all speak up, and say that it is wrong to deny these people the rights we ourselves enjoy, then we may finally be able to move on. If you recall, I did say that the conservative government was not the end of the world. I still maintain that it isn't the satanic club that the Liberals wanted to make it, but I find very little to like about them, these days. Well, at least there is still food on the tabl---oh, wait. Some people don't have any. No, not a lot to like. My real issue is, I can't see anything superior arising from the ashes of the Liberal party. Canadian politics are sorely disappointing these days. Ah, well... at least we have the Green Party.

STEEL AND RAGING HEAT

TRANSFORMED IN THE BURNING FORGE

BECOME WORKS OF ART

FillARRRRRRRR (delicious piratey filling?)

There are a great many things I have been meaning to post, but the requisite hour or two has not come along lately. This is sucking horribly

On the bad side of things, Elizabeth May did not win her seat in the By-Election this week

On the Good side, the homophobic Conservative bitch didn't win, either.

So, until I get a decent stretch of time, I leave you with the following instructions:
Burn it 'til it's BURNED OUT, Turn It 'til it's TURNED OUT!

-LOUD