Friday, July 28, 2006

"Absurdly Amplified Laser Bazooka"

Having just seen a "top 10 videogame weapons" video on youTube (Which I quote in today's title), I thought it would be fun to hand out "best ______ weapon awards" as opposed to simply numerically ranking them. Please note, these reflect MY playing experience. Mileage may vary.

Best Sidearm: Blaster, Tribes 2
Technically, it isn't a sidearm, as you don't always have it. The manual, however, proclaims it as the 'Standard Tribal sidearm", and there are many reasons why. Infinite ammo, ricocheting energy pulses, and a decent fire rate are enough. It should be a humiliation weapon, but the low damage per hit is essentially the only reason for this misconception. The Blaster can kill just about anything at close-to-medium range, if you strafe properly. Did I mention that shields don't protect against this little death machine? The Blaster pwnz.

Runners Up (no particular order):
Handheld sniper ri -er, I mean, The Pistol from Halo 1
Phaser, Elite Force 1 and 2
Magnum, Half-Life 1 and 2

Best All-around weapon: POSTPONED
My first thought was the SMG from Half-Life 1. It had a 50-round clip, was good at killing just about everything, and had a Grenade Launcher to boot. You could carry 300 (50/250) bullets, and 10 'nades. It was THE bread-and-butter gun.
Then, since I knew the Gravity Gun had to win A category, I realized that this would be it. It does indeed slice and dice, shield, kill, solve puzzles...truly a great all-round weapon/tool.
But in the end, the upcoming portal device from Valve's p0rtal will be the one to watch, and is the reason I have elected to wait on this one (this really is Valve's category, isn't it?). It seems to have some Gravity-gun functionality...while allowing you to create portals in space-time! Until I have tested it, no verdict in this section.

Best Sniping Weapon: Type-7 Particle Weapon, F.E.A.R.
FEAR team called in to investigate claims of 'unnaturally powerful' small arms.
FEAR point man acquired the so-called 'Type-7 Particle Weapon', and proceeded to lay waste at all ranges.
Current Priority is to describe the awesomeness of the Type-7.

Ok: Instant kill on ANY hit for 80% of your enemies. Headshots do in the tough guys, and the big (or REALLY big) metal ones...well, you're boned. Still, 85% of your enemies are reduced to FLAMING SKELETONS the moment you push that mouse button. To sum up:
a) Instant-Kills
c) 10-shot clip
d) full-screen scope (no window dressing)
e) instant-effect
f) works as a close-range zapper, too.
Seriously, the only bad thing about this gun is that your enemies sometimes have it. I'd love to say the Laser rifle (a favourite from Tribes 2), but pwnage is pwnage, and nothing deals THAT out quite like the Type-7.

Laser Rifle, Tribes 2
Sniper Rifle, Far Cry
Mercury Bow, Oni
Crossbow, HL2

Best Support Weapon: Redeemer, UT Series
"WHAT?!?!?!", I hear you cry, "the redeemer is NOT a machine gun, and does not qualify!" Oh, it does. Support includes rocket-based guns, I believe. If not, simply consider the fact that a small tactical nuke is WAY better at keeping your enemies at bey than a stream of bullets. Deal with it. Where MG fire says "be careful, or you die", the Redeemer screams "MULTI-KILL!" loud and proud.

Runners up:
Fusion Mortar, Tribes 2
M249, too many games to list
Various Chainguns.

Best Super-Weapon: Ion Cannon Beacon, C&C: Renegade.
"But....But...But..." cool it, skippy. Neither the Redeemer, nor the BFG, nor even the Ultra-Powered Gravity Gun in HL2 and Ep 1 have ANYTHING on a beacon that calls down ORBITAL BOMBARDMENT. Think about it: what hand-held implement of destruction can match the power of a beam of energy powerful enough to travel through 100km of thin-->thick atmosphere, and THEN destroy a building, as well as anyone in or around it. Yeah, your blank list matches up with mine here. So the beacon itself actually isn't the's essentially a really big trigger, which is plenty close enough. The BFG kills lots of enemies. This thing is essentially the equivalent of taking out those enemies, their mothers, and their house...all in one blow. I've made many references to 'pwnage' being the key to a good weapon. This thing is pwnage incarnate.

Runners up:
Nuke Strike Beacon, C&C: Renegade (doesn't look as cool as the Ion Beam).
Tricorder w/orbital strike mode active, Elite Force 2.
Explosive/Incendiary weapons from Scorched Earth, Worms.

I should do a better version of this list when not REALLY tired, but I think most of my choices will stand. The trick is, more categories, and better-defined ones at that.

Today in review: BioShock looks amazing, I'm starting to read the latest Liaden Universe book (I'll link to the authors' website later). The books are extremely well-written space-operatic fare. Just read the books, already - they CAN be found in bookstores: the authors are Sharon Lee, and Steve Miller. Oh, and a Windows XP re-install seems to be in the cards. I'm not looking forward to much of the process, but a fresh start is the only time Windows ever works nicely. I swear, if WINE gets good 3-D acceleration, M$ is dumped for good...

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