Thursday, November 04, 2010

Skip this Post if You Don't Like Self Pity

When you put it in perspective, I have not - in my life - been confronted with particularly many threats. No large predatory cats, no potato famine, no one has ever leveled a gun at my head. So when I receive a threat, I guess I find myself lacking in experience.

Today, I received a threat. Today I was threatened with expulsion. And I suppose as a corollary I might get fired, too.

It's not easy to react to, and not productive. I'm sitting there looking off into space thinking "it seems as though you want a response, but you've left me no options. I have no defense. What do you want?". And what did he want? All I could offer him was a meek "alright" (or whatever it is I said) anyhow. And so now I'm living day-to-day, one-more-strike and you're out style. And the part that concerns me is: I know I won't make it. Maybe it'll be a day, maybe a week: I'm going to screw up. I'll go to bed too late, or the alarm won't work, or my bike's gonna break, or I'll have a moment of weakness while staring down a sleet storm in the 7AM darkness and I am going to flunk my pasty white ass out of school and out of Adulthood itself, if my parents have anything to say about it. And unless I find a job that'll pay me rent and food it'll be back to Ottawa, to live forever in the flawless shadow of my sister the Engineer.

The problem is, of course, that I have no one to blame but myself


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